Not Forgetting About You

Christian wanted to write a farewell blog and I was hoping to find that copy on his computer after he died, but he just didn’t get to it.  One thing he did tell me was that he wanted people to think of him when they hear the song, “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds.

It was Monday, January 8, 2018, during the National Football Championship game, Alabama was down and it was the end of the third quarter and Spencer was NOT happy.  I went into the kitchen and heard in the background “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” playing from the television.  Yeah, it was the new Statefarm ad campaign, but it just about shook my core to know that Christian was there with Spencer and me watching that game.  And guess who won that game?

It’s been one year since Christian died and I can tell you that it’s been the most challenging times of our lives – duh.  The boys and I continue to do our thing, working and going to school, but it’s always under a cloud of sadness, apprehension, and anxiousness to move on to the next milestone event – as if that one will be less painful and more enjoyable.  I don’t want to paint a picture of all doom and gloom for the Rushing’s this past year, it just wasn’t.  We’ve discovered real truths about one another that we knew were there, but they’ve really shined. 

Spencer’s personality continues to encourage me to not take things so seriously.  His ability to push on and see the bright side always inspires me to do the same.  He really did know his dad and remembers everything about him and he admired him more than anyone in this world so the loss is so great for him.  To have that connection, for 11 short years, and have that be taken away is all too sad to witness.  Spencer continues to be so kind-hearted, empathetic, and just fun to be around.  He loves playing with Stern, his friends, and schoolmates.  I have definitely seen Spencer withdraw from some activities and I know that he doesn’t like doing this, but it’s just all that he can do to get through sometimes.  Spencer has found peace in knowing that we’re all committed to being ok and going on living unlike his daddy had the opportunity to do.

Stern took a while to come up for a bit of air after Christian died.  He was just 8 when Christian died and 6 when he was diagnosed so he’s not going to remember the non-sick Christian as much as Spencer and I will unfortunately. 

Stern is a pretty serious, contemplative little guy and his daddy’s death had him searching for more solitude and time alone away from the sadness.  He found joy in those things that have always pleased him, his legos, books, origami, and his max time allotted on a video game.  About three months after Christian died, Stern started to laugh a little more and become more engaged with Spencer and me – this was about the same time that we got our new dog, Sully. 

I will tell you that I’ve never been an animal person at all.  For those that know me, it’s pretty much like how I feel about children.  I love mine, but not really anyone else’s – sorry.  Sully has been more than a dog to us.  Sully has taught us patience – as if we needed that lesson after witnessing Christian’s declining health over two years – but a different kind of patience.  Patience that usually ends up with everyone getting on the same page by realizing that we can do things right if we put in the effort. 

Sully has taught us how to care for one another and figure things out and the biggest thing is how to laugh again.  There just wasn’t a lot of laughter in our house over the last couple of years.  It was so hard to find the humor in everyday things knowing that our love was sitting beside us (or often on the sofa) in dire pain and anguish.  Sully is so goofy, loving, and cute and I will never forget how this dog helped changed our lives.  Now…if we can just make sure that Sully doesn’t get out and hit by a car on Main Street – that would be great.  The first time that happened, Stern said to me, “Mom, I am just not sure what I would do if I lost the two things I love most in one year.”  Break my heart. 

My work has provided for us in many ways.  It’s allowed me to show the boys that life does go on, I can get up, get ready and still make a positive difference outside of our home.  I hope that I don’t look back and regret working this past year – was I running away?  Probably a little bit, but I love what I do and I hope that the boys see that I can be a great mom and continue working too. 

All of the family and friends that I knew would be there, were there.  They never stopped, for one single bit, calling or texting or just asking how we were doing.  I knew that it wouldn’t last forever and that people would go back to their regularly scheduled programming, but those that were there before Christian got sick continue to be there and I know they always will.  What I’ve discovered is that I have picked some really good friends.  I mean I knew this, but you really don’t know this (know this) until things get turned upside-down.  When you have an actual list of people that you can rely on, every day, no matter what – it’s unbeatable. 

So, what we’ve learned:

-        I have taught, and will continue to, teach the boys that even though they’ve gone through the unthinkable, at such an early age, they are still living and can be happy.

-        I can cook pretty well!  The last 15 years of being Christian’s sous chef has really paid off. 

-        We cannot allow this life-changing event to negatively change our lives forever.  We cannot use Christian’s death as an excuse to take the easy way out and give up. 

-        I am not going to be able to fill Christian’s shoes.  You all know that Christian was one-of-a-kind.  He was unlike anyone I’ve ever met in my life.  Personally, professionally, and intimately.  Christian was the most intelligent, charismatic, and knowledgeable person and that cannot be filled by me – and that’s ok.  I am good as me and as a mom. 

-        Each day we will laugh a little more and be sad a little less. 

-        Christian is watching over us and knows that we are doing ok.

-        We’re not always going to do things the way Christian would have done them and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

-        God made me an independent woman with the complete ability to raise two boys knowing that Christian would leave us too early.

-        I can stop looking for that remarkable lesson I was supposed to learn once my husband died.  It’s ok that I am not a totally different person, doing different things, in different places.  I’ve learned that maybe I was doing things the right way before Christian died and this loss has shown me that Christian and I had our lives set up pretty well. 

-        My love and admiration for Christian continues to grow.  Each day, I am reminded how lucky I was to have him in our lives, even though it was too brief.  I would rather feel this sorrow forever than to not of had his love at all. 

-        Our two boys have Christian’s love inside of them.  One day, they will realize that people have terrible things happen to them all of the time, and that they came out on the other side. 

From Christian’s blog about two months before he died (DEC 6 2016) – although referring to politics, something he didn’t often write about – I think this pretty much sums things up for The Rushing’s:

“In any event, my prediction for the next four years is that there will be opportunity out there for all Americans to succeed and grow – what remains to be seen is who will embrace those opportunities and take full advantage of them and who will spite themselves by sitting on the sidelines and protesting while those opportunities pass by.  Life will (continue to) be there for the taking for those who are willing to work for it.”

Thanks to each of you for your love, support, and kindness.  May this upcoming year be joyful.